I guess I've turned a corner in life because I just bought O magazine for the first time instead of my favorite guilty pleasure, like Us Weekly, Life and Style, or some other gossip rag. I was so inspired by what I read that I recorded Oprah's best week ever this week on my DVR. When I was watching the Monday show and her interview, I got a little teary. True, I am still breastfeeding and still more emotional than I ever was before having a baby, but I really identified with her. Hearing OPRAH, who is so established, successful, amazing, etc. talk about her weight in such a way really helped me to stop beating myself up about it. Okay, maybe not entirely, but if even Oprah is still battling it, I'm not the worst person in the world if I haven't mastered it yet either.
When Oprah said "I can't believe I am still talking about my weight" and she kept saying it, emphatically, over and over, I could have been saying the same exact thing. All these years, successes, failures, thinking I had it down only to lose control again.... "I can't believe I am still talking about my weight."
It's probably important for me to say that I have never had a weight PROBLEM, per se. Just have never been satisfied with myself. Even when I was a size 4, it wasn't enough. I still didn't see myself the way I wanted to. Now I am a post-baby size 8, sometimes I still need to wear the old size 10's from a couple months ago. I feel a lot better than I did over the summer, but I feel like if I can just get back into my 6's, I will be happy. But will I? Will it be enough then? I PROMISE right here and now that WHEN I get back in my 4's I will never call myself fat again!
The weird thing is, you know how they say anorexics, or maybe even someone like me in my size 4 days, sees a warped image in the mirror? They see themselves as bigger than they really are? Well, now I think I see myself SMALLER.... I feel like I am looking more like I used to, but then in a photo I look huge! HATE THAT!
I guess it never helped either that I grew up with a very petite mother, sister, Grandmother and that Angelina, Eva and Victoria are all very thin. I was always the biggest one and I guess even if I wasn't really "big" compared to the rest of the world, I was compared to *my* world. I was 5'5" and 115 lbs. in high school. What the heck was wrong with me that I had body issues?? That's what ya get for being part of the beautiful people I guess. Poor Me. =)
"I can't BELIEVE I am still talking about my weight."
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So I was reading this and remembering back to a conversation we had about how we felt about our weight being a direct reflection on how our mothers' felt about their weight. My mom NEVER mentioned being fat or overweight or dieting and your mom mentioned it quite often. I really hope that one day you will get rid of that body distortion and not pass on these feelings to Miss A. :(
ReplyDeleteI hope that I will get over it too, but I will NOT pass it along to Miss A. Along with not yelling (another thing that neither Big Daddy nor I want to pass on.) I do not discuss or talk about myself negatively in front of her, even now. I don't know if I can say the same about the rest of LA, though. This city is not so great for body image, but on the other hand, with obesity being an epidemic in this country, is it better to be self conscious about your health and weight, or not care and be overweight? Where is the happy-healthy medium? STOP THE CYCLE!!
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ReplyDeleteSorry about my earlier comment or lack thereof. What I meant to say was- there has to be a happy & healthy medium somewhere and when you find it - clue the rest of us in! :)
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