Measuring Family Ties ~ Eva

I have long imagined what life would be like to start my own family. I'm sure all women do. You think about what the baby will look like, you imagine sweet smiles and loving coos, and how full your days would be caring for and playing with your new bundle. The one thing I never imagined, nor EVER came to mind, is what it would be like for the extended family. Having a baby truly strengthens the family ties and our ties are now about 25 inches long - coincidentally, the current length of my baby boy.

I have to be brutally honest here; that is way too short and too close for comfort, for me. I have never been the kind of girl that needed to stick close to home for family, or got homesick, or wanted to move back to a town near my sister or parents, and definitely did not ask for help or seek out their advice. Hence, why I was never for a moment, scared to move so far away from them. I am a loner of sorts and thrive in my independence. I do enjoy talking with my family often and visiting with them in a 3 day (maximum) duration a few times a year. They understand this about me and have not infringed on my privacy or independence at all since my firstborn baby arrived. What I did not anticipate, is how my in-laws would act.

First of all, let me start off by saying that my husband's family is wonderful. They are truly the warmest, nicest, most thoughtful midwestern people you could imagine - as though they walked straight off the streets of the real Mayberry. We're talking parents still together (very rare these days) and three successful and good-looking children, whom all get along well with each other, and have all accepted me as though I was heaven sent (my husband laughs at that). I'm especially close to my sister-in-law, who is my husband's baby sister. She is the kind of girl you want to hate but can't - she's gorgeous, very successful, extremely generous, funny, and angelic. The kind of girl who can make anyone they meet, genuinely feel like the most important person in the room (a trait I've never been good at). Basically, she is the absolute opposite of all my former boyfriends' younger sisters ( a story I'll save for another time). The catch is, our baby, my baby, is the absolute first baby in his entire family. He is the first grandchild and great grandchild. Talk about pressure.

While pregnant, I imagined this to be a good thing. I thought about how loved (and spoiled) my little man would be. Since my baby is simply the youngest in a huge brood of granchildren among my family, I thought it would be special that he is the first in my husband's. I remember my co-worker saying to me that everything will change with the in-laws once the baby arrives. I defended myself and my in-laws, saying "No way. I love them. It won't be like that." I admit now, how very wrong I was. Having a baby has greatly changed the dynamics of my relationship with my in-laws; and not for the better.

The best one-word description for my new feelings toward it all is annoyance. I honestly kept an open-mind throughout my pregnancy regarding the roles of my MIL and FIL. Yes, I got a little annoyed when they stayed for a long weekend with us in the summer, but mainly because they took over my kitchen and treated me like I was crippled. I kindly reminded them that I was simply pregnant, and was more than capable of getting my own drink. The change really hit me when my MIL stayed with us for TEN DAYS after the baby was born. We literally got discharged from the hospital and drove straight to the airport to pick her up. TEN DAYS!!

Holy cow, I still get shivers when I think about it. I can't even spend 3 consecutive days with my own family. In that long and dreadful week and a half, I learned a lot about myself. Mainly, that I absolutely abhor unsolicited advice. Is there some unwritten law out there, that once a MIL becomes a grandmother to your child, she has a lifelong fulfillment to tell her daughter-in-law exactly how to do EVERYTHING? The second thing I learned about myself is that I'm truly so happy that we do not live within driving distance of them. I know this is somewhat selfish on my part, because maybe my son would enjoy having his grandparents nearby as he grows. OK, it is selfish. I don't care! I justify it by thinking that my child would rather have a "happy mommy" than a frustrated one who has to deal with daily house calls. Ugh!

I think the part that frustrates me most about the advice is that it is sooo outdated. I mean back when she had kids, they didn't even strap them in car seats for God's sake. They just let them run around the moving vehicle like it was romper room. I remember calling my fellow sister Jennifer, and through tears of frustration, venting my guilty feelings for not wanting my sweet MIL in my home or near my child. She said something that has stuck with me ever since, "maybe if they read a book about babies that was written in the last decade...". That could not be more true! Let's see, the major highlights were that she had no clue as to what SIDS is (which I fully explained, backed with medical evidence), she never even looked at our baby registry and therefore had no idea what any of our baby gear was used for, she would try and take the baby away from me when I was nursing him or changing his diapers or simply bonding with him (and she would do it in a fashion to make me feel like I NEEDED her help because I couldn't handle it on my own), and the straw that broke the camel's back was when she attempted to give me her ideas (that were incorrect) on my difficult start to breastfeeding.

For the pregnant women and new moms out there, I will explain the breastfeeding situation. It took almost a week for my milk to come in, due to my stressful delivery. My baby latched on right away, but soon got tired and frustrated with the colostrum and wanted more substance. He has always been, and still is, a ferocious eater and wants his milk as quickly as you can give it. On the second day after his birth I noticed he would start rooting, latch on, and then push himself away out of frustration, then simply cry himself to sleep. On the third day, the nurses said he lost a significant amount of weight and so I had the lactation nurses come in to our room. They explained that some babies just don't want the colostrum and start to push away from the breast, if this happens too many times, the baby will associate your breast with "no milk" and simply detach, which was exactly what he was doing. Thankfully, they set me up with a supplemental feeding system that allowed the baby to get formula fed while he latched on, thus helping to stimulate your milk supply and teaching the baby that mommy's breast is a "good thing". As any woman who has breastfed knows, the more the baby latches on, the more your body will increase milk supply. End result: my milk came in like a flood after 6 or 7 days and he quickly gained his weight back.

Back to my MIL story, so during this stressful period of waiting for my milk to come in, she ignorantly tells me that I should stop the supplemental feeding system because it was "tricking" my body and thus preventing the milk from coming (WTF?), and then blatantly tells me that I needed to "rethink" my expectations of what motherhood and a schedule for my baby would be like and "just go with the flow". That second statement really got under my skin because I had no, and still do not have, ANY type of strict schedule. From day one, it has always been according to the baby's mood each day. This is not my first experience with babies. I am very close to 7 of my nieces and nephews, acted as a free live-in nanny for my sisters first-born, and have also worked as a nanny for several wealthy families, which meant practicly raising their children. I knew she was projecting and thinking about herself when she was a new mother (thirty some years ago). Needless to say, I blew my lid and drew a very defined boundary around myself and my baby.

Anyway, what is my point besides dredging up past irritants about the in-laws? Well, she called today saying that she is sending me a book on methods for getting the baby to sleep through the night. I know why my baby doesn't sleep all the way through the night, it's because he's ALWAYS hungry. Back to my point of him being a ferocious eater. Therefore, he will most likely be on this schedule until I start him on solids such as rice cereal.

Back to biting my tongue. ...

I'm sure I'll keep you informed of MIL updates, since that is now on my hot list. Gotta go... baby's hungry.